Personally speaking, I took this month to go within as to find the root causes of my own limitations. While doing so, I uncovered many aspects of myself that I wasn’t aware of. Each day, I set out to do some emotional writing and took a “social media detox” to drown out the noises and distractions. I wanted to get to a level of self-mastery where I could understand my own triggers to make room for my blessings. I also wanted to have clarity on what I was seeking next out of life as my current situations weren’t fulfilling to me anymore. It’s been a month full of challenges, growth, healing, and awakenings. It has been a while since I’ve connected within my own spirituality as I am in this moment of writing. The energy has been so intense this month with such a masculine force set to produce major life changes and induce energetic purging that it’s been hard to keep up with the higher vibration of love.
This month has been a blessing in disguise as I was led to get really intimate with myself, having a huge emphasis on purging old stuck energy. I found myself entrenched with uncovering some raw emotions in relations to self-worth. I realized that I couldn’t pour anymore into others as I was in need of my own healing so I stripped away the distractions and spent most of my time in solitude. I cut off all social media outlets as I couldn’t be that guiding light to others when I was in so much pain within myself. It was great courage to actually realize that I was in so much pain which sabotaged my very own desires. Why didn’t I feel that I was worthy? What led me to believe that everything had to be a struggle? Why didn’t I trust myself?
Then, it just clicked that it was all a matter of beliefs passed down to me that I was ingrained to believe. The biggest epiphany rose from the understanding that I always found a way to understand spiritual truths to the point that I would stuff my emotions down and not validate that I was actually upset by someone else’s actions. When I dug deeper into the root of that it came through that this was my coping mechanism from childhood. As a child, I was never truly allowed to speak my truth. If I spoke something uncomfortable, it was naturally rejected so I started to doubt myself. Becoming an adult and doing extensive research on narcissistic behavior it become apparent that I was a truth speaker, but in the company of those who chose to protect their fragile ego. It wasn’t a matter that I was wrong in my opinion, but the fact that others didn’t reach that level within themselves to understand the truth that I was given so I would shut down when it produced discord.
This led me to believe that every time I expressed my truths it would result in a struggle and carrying this deep rooted belief aided by the law of attraction, it proved true each time. I always felt that it was my fault that others were having tough experience, but as I became wiser within my own intuition, it was a matter of attracting toxic connections. I am thankful for toxic connections because they helped me to shine light on wounds that I carried inside for eons and had to let go of which dealt with feeling worthiness. The worthiness factor was a huge one for me to dive into and took a little longer to purge and in fact, I am still growing more in that belief. This limited belief stemmed from the idea that I would never get what I want because I had to put others needs ahead of mine and if I didn’t then it would pose a threat. This threat would lead to a struggle where I had to prove that my needs mattered. Again, a childhood belief that was passed down to me developed deeply in poverty consciousness.
Not trusting myself was because I grew up around those who didn’t expand as fast as I did and meeting resistance when you are newly adopting a belief can definitely affect who you are. When you are a star seed, you go through identity crisis alongside your journey, but it isn’t until you realize that you are meant to embrace your authenticity does the blossoming become more fun to take part in. I realized just how sensitive I am to energy during these last couple of weeks as I found myself healing more rapidly than my environments. This alerted my spirit to the very fact that it was time to expand in new directions. It isn’t easy purging as you prepare for new beginnings because the only way out is through your pain. You have to be ready to get really raw and vulnerable with yourself in order for others to be able to.
You can’t run from your pain because it will follow you and I made a conscious decision this month that I wouldn’t run from my pain and instead confront all that said I wasn’t deserving. I faced perfectionism which derived from the fact that I faced a lot of criticism for my mistakes because I was put on a very high pedestal as a child. This led me to believe that I couldn’t mess up as my other siblings done because I would be punished. I was expected to be the child that always done the right things and ended up putting those same standards on myself. I have become more compassionate with myself because I understand that I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them just like others. Childhood has taking on a new lens in my eyes now because it truly does set you up for the lessons you are to learn and teach others as you grow in spirit. I am breaking away from many limiting beliefs passed down through the generations and now I am starting to notice that the universe is leading me in new directions because of the work that I have been doing.
I have cried and laughed in the same breath this month. I have realized my spiritual truths to only still align with fear this month. I have second guessed myself and allowed other people’s truths to persuade me as well. The energy was so intense for the first three weeks that I couldn’t connect to my own divinity. I found myself in moments where I pleaded with the universe to make it all go away because it was too much to handle. Yet, I keep going with it and found methods to soothe the intensity. I felt very alone this month and hurt because the ones who I helped weren’t strong enough to be there for me. It was designed to be that way to show myself that I was strong enough to face these wounds. The external was full of rapid changes as well and I was placed in environments where the hyper-masculine template was thriving and I knew it was because that was one of my biggest wounds.
I sat in the company of many this month who made it seemed as if they were on my side and betrayed me so that I could heal that experience. At first, it stung, but I knew I manifested those experiences on the outside to address what wasn’t healed on the inside. I had to learn the art of compassion which isn’t an easy lesson to learn. I met insecurities within myself that I was embarrassed to admit, but knew it all had to be released. It was all set up this way to help me learn to love myself unconditionally. There are so many lessons that I have learned that noteworthy of being published in a book, but I am sharing just a snippet of it to show that it is okay to admit that you are growing through what you are going through. Self-love was the theme of the month and sets the tone for the rest of my life. When I realize that I didn’t love myself as much as I loved others it sent a shock through my system. So many years I have spent loving others more than they loved themselves to the point it depleting me.
I realize that I couldn’t blame anyone for treating me any other way that I desired because I never set the tone for others to know how to treat me. I also couldn’t be mad at myself because I didn’t know my own worth. I also stepped into the perspective of those who have hurt me to realize that fear is the root of all suffering so I felt called to apologize to those who hurt me. I couldn't blame them for violating me when I didn’t set healthy boundaries for them. I also couldn't blame them for not having healthier boundaries set for themselves. So it became a matter of flushing out regret for not knowing what I should of known now, but then a healing breakthrough understanding that I have learned that lesson. The more that I love myself then the greater that I will allow myself to receive.
I understand the value of taking time to nurture myself and expressing my needs. I got moments to get in touch with my inner-child through dancing, singing, and animals. It is a path of understanding myself as a woman and learning what that actually looks like to me. It just doesn’t make sense to believe such a belief of unworthiness, but after adopting a limited belief for so long it isn’t an overnight change of truly embracing it. At one point, I became impatient with my growth curve because it was taking me time to learn these beliefs instead of listening to my shadow which is all about defeat. I started embracing yoga and breathing more to help me navigate those trickier triggers as to not align with its manifestations. Crystals became my best ally this month.
I took them everywhere with me to make sure I had some connection to my divinity. I am thankful for my guides helping me throughout healing this month as it wasn’t easy. There is more to clear, but a lot has been released. The moment someone realizes that the only block to their desire is themselves, is the moment they are to be set free. The moment is now and I am allowing the universe to lead me consciously as I confess.
Spiritual literature for the soul to inspire a better life.