For the last couple of weeks I have been going through many spiritual changes that have been challenging. One of the main themes is to heal and live through spirit instead of ego. The ultimate goal of this transformation is to live by unconditional love so that I can have deeper connections with others in life. Naturally, I am a distant person and was unaware of how much my past was still playing in my present. In this article, I am going to bare the naked truth so that I can live up to my name, JusBNme (just being me). It is only by facing the darkness in myself that I can find the light in others. I suggest you all do the same.
I'm an optimistic person and try to see on the bright side. I live my life in a manner that I would want others too. I'm kind, compassionate, and genuine in my responses to others, but how much of my own advice do I take? Emotions are sticky and I would view them as a form of weakness. Throughout this transformation that is still in the process of unfolding, I found that my views on emotions stemmed from past hurts that I never thoroughly healed from. So when someone would penetrate that layer and I would run the risk of being seen as "vulnerable", I would strike back in what would be seen as an aggressive manner, but instead was the behavior of an insecure emotional person.
The feeling of being rejected was subconsciously being driven into my being. I was feeding my ego. After the battle was done then I would come back to my senses by myself and be able to look at the situation objectively. Criticism wasn't something that I could accept even if it was from someone who loved me. It reminded me of the pain of not feeling good enough. So there was a lot of pain in the past that was unresolved.
Throughout this transition I have been enlightened to what has stopped me from fully being able to connect to others and able to have meaningful experiences in life. My soul craves something deeper and I know that it only can come from a deeper understanding of my own actions. Every situation that I have encountered has been a choice. A choice to enter it with love or fear. Fear is not my friend. It feeds the ego that is dying to make its return.
Sometimes I get my moments where I feel my ego is speaking, but I'm able to recognize it. I owe a great deal of this new emerging self to meditating. I look back on situations and I feel awful for the way I responded to them. I wish to send apologies to others when opportunities prevail, but in the meantime I send out a universal apology in the form of unconditional love. It is a great step when you take the initiative of accepting your flaws. I am responsible for my actions and I accept that. It was very important to my journey for me to put this article up on my website.
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God gave me a gift to be a healer and by doing so I must heal myself. In hopes that my story will be of inspiration to others. To be vulnerable means that you are risen to your higher calling in life. It is of great strength to have emotional stability in life. So I am developing my emotional core. When I feel an emotion that is negative I now honor it.
It doesn't matter if I think I should feel that way or not. I will only make room for more love to enter my life when I acknowledge it. Another aspect that is undergoing change is my desire to control. I thrive in my independence, but not all situations calls for that response. I have learned that it is okay to relinquish control to life and others. In the past, I use to feel a need to control because of rejection.
I didn't want to give someone else power over my decisions. It made me a tyrant at times even when my intentions meant well. The control is still a bit of an issue, but will soon be balanced as the ego continues to die. Life has gotten a new lens and I have been stripped of all my defense mechanisms. In this rebuiliding stage the focus will remain on balancing the practical with the spiritual. Transformations can seem confusing in the beginning because the ego doesn't like change.
It likes to cling to the pain of the past so that you can feel good. It doesn't like to look at what part you played in situations, but instead focus on how others made you feel. STOP THE MADNESS! One more part of the process is forgiveness. A lot of my defense mechanisms came from past lovers. Lovers from years ago that I assumed didn't affect me anymore. Their physical left, but you might as well say I was still with them because their karmic cords weren't cut. I did a meditation where I focused on cutting ties with the past and its working.
I am forgiving myself for allowing myself to be put in those situations. Better yet, I'm learning to forgive myself for what I allowed myself to put up with. No one put a gun to my head and said I had to date any of them. Then, I realize that most of them were broken and unhealed so they responded to the situations with the same defense mechanisms that I had. I have also hurt guys in my past too and that was due to a detachment issue.
Life is taking on a new meaning for me and I'm unsure as of where it is taking me, but I am aware of the spiritual growth that is needed to get there. So now, I'm at a point where my soul is craving life on a deeper level. I want to express myself to others more deeply. I want to present to the world my authentic self as it emerges. I even notice my authenticity more when I communicate with others. I am more patient and receptive to their viewpoints. I still inject myself in situations because communication is a two-way street.
It's just a matter of how I approach situations that have changed. It is no longer about being right or wrong, but instead about reaching common ground. I'm working more also on trusting my own intuition. If I trust my intuition then, that coincides with my ability to relinquish control. Every situation in life is put their for better or worse, but the universe doesn't believe in hate. Hate is a part of free-will.
I'm embracing the ability to love authentically so that others will feel comfortable with expressing their love authentically. The shadow is only a shadow when light isn't shined fully on it. It is easier to remove any preconceived ideas of how a situation should be because if not, then it will stunt your growth. And at times, you will miss out on a wonderful experience because of fear of letting go (old ways of thinking). My words of advice for anyone who is undergoing a transformation would be to let life unfold naturally and never be afraid of second chances (quitting isn't an option). Whether it be in career, love, family, or any other area of life. See how your shadow is stopping you from experiencing life and all of its amazement. Good luck on your journey and thanks for the opportunity to share a piece of mine. Blessed be.
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